Twitter’s a funny old thing. You spend a lot of your time scrolling through it, despairing for humanity as the battle rages on between actual Nazis and… vegans, and then the rest of it seems to be comedians whose only platform is Twitter, making average jokes and getting tens of thousands of retweets.
I say the rest of it, every now and then a hashtag will come along and break the monotony. Usually they’re things like ‘#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly, where users copy jokes they read in a CollegeHumor article and get a silly amount of likes. But this time it’s ‘#AwfullyBritishFakeFacts’.
Before we get into it, I have an issue or two with the name of this hashtag.
There’s a common trend amongst football fans that Arsenal supporters are the worst and most cancerous group on the web. The thing is, I’m an Arsenal fan, and I totally agree. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely resent Tottenham fans, but only a bit more than I resent Arsenal fans. They’re just that bad. Nowadays, I feel the same way about British people on Twitter. Despite being a British Twitterer myself, I’m starting to feel resentful of those people who allow being British to be their one and only defining quality.
Saying “awfully” in a Twitter trend doesn’t make it British; it makes it twee and shit – I blame Very British Problems for all of this. Secondly, the trend was created to have a little bit of fun with people who aren’t from Britain, tricking them into believing things that aren’t true… GET IT?! So what the fuck is the word “fake” doing there? It’s like pranking someone but prefacing it with “I’m going to lie now, with the hope that I get a rise out of you“. Utterly pointless.
Anyway, here’s the tweets. They’re actually quite good, all things considered…
#AwfullyBritishFakeFacts We have a 'Summer' season
— MissD (@Now8Miss) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
#AwfullyBritishFakeFacts when someone bumps into you and it clearly wasn't you fault, it is your duty to apologise
— Jack Bell (@fullmetaljack98) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
Speaking to anyone on a train or bus is illegal in England. #AwfullyBritishFakeFacts
— David Rouse (@Rouse_David) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
The English civil war was actually about whether you add milk first or after the tea. #awfullybritishfakefacts
— screamingguns (@screamingguns) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
Statues have been banned in Britain for 165 years after a 500 person queue formed behind one in 1852. 3 people died.#AwfullyBritishFakeFacts
— Phlegm Clandango❄ (@Cain_Unable) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
There are only 2 position's in the UK karma Sutra. Missionary with socks and Missionary without socks.
— Because Lee (@RevivalLee1) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
Every 48 seconds a UK citizen disappears in IKEA and is never seen again.
— Steven (@steve_d24) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
When Great Britain joined the EU the Wizard of Oz became known as the Wizard of 28grams.
— Nigel A. Hammond (@ArthurFooksake) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
— rebecca hardy (@teamhardy2000) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
#awfullybritishfakefacts It's mandatory to learn how to queue other wise you fail your GCSEs in the UK.
— Nyx Fairway (@Nyx_Fairway) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
#awfullybritishfakefacts England can win the world cup this time
— Joel Newnham (@newjoel) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
The queue to take the British Citizenship test, IS the test.#AwfullyBritishFakeFacts
— Femi (@Femi_Sorry) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
A brexit is when you exit a restaurant without paying for your breakfast #AwfullyBritishFakeFacts
— Dont Thinkso (@DontThinkso555) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
#AwfullyBritishFakeFacts there are more cups of tea in Britain than people
— Dilly Williams (@dash_dilly) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
#AwfullyBritishFakeFacts If you speak British English very loudly & slowly abroad, it will automatically translate into the local language.
— Rose (@SwissMinx) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
#AwfullyBritishFakeFacts all British born children must be proficient with a kettle and tea spoon by the age of 1 or face abandonment
— koal Runeic (@KoalRune) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
Approximately 500 000 tourists die each year after failing to mind the gap between the train and the platform #AwfullyBritishFakeFacts
— Think. (@dalstondoll) 13 Αυγούστου 2017
Haha it’s funny because we like queuing and tea!